Letting Go

Today I had an epiphanie, an 'ah ha' moment, a lightbulb went off over my head moment...anything of that type you can think of to explain it.

I've been doing alot of realizing about my faith lately. I've realized that in order to feel happier, I need to let go of all the worries I've been holding onto so tightly. I tend to let things go into God's hands, and then I try to snatch them right back, so I'm working on letting go and letting God as they say. Needless to say, all the times I've managed to completely let go before, I was as happy as can be because I was following God's will.

Anyway, back to today's moment. I've also been thinking alot lately about how some people's faith is so alive to them. Which I personally believe is how it should be. I think mine could be more alive than it is. Honestly, it's all my own fault. Which brings me to the light bulb moment. Ever since my daddy died, it's like I secrectly tried to build up walls around my heart. We're talking prison walls with secret doors and barbed wire around the top and electric fence around the outside by the time things settled down in the couple years after that. Things just kept happening and every time I'd add on to my walls. I'd open the doors and let the people in a little bit, maybe into a little chamber, but never into the inside. The problem is, while I was doing that, I was trying to fence God into a smaller area too without even realizing it.

Before my life turned into a wild roller coaster, I was extremely sensitive. No matter what emotion I felt, I felt it deeply. So of course, when so many emotional things happen it's no wonder that I tried to build up walls, it was only to protect myself from more pain. I'm not saying I was an emotionless blob by any means, I just protected myself from feeling as deeply as I did before.

But that's not what God wants. He loves me so much that he wants ALL of me. He wants my completely open heart. He created me, and he knows every hair on my head. It's probably like a slap in His face when I try to protect myself. He is God. He can protect me. But he also created me as sensitive as I am for a reason. He has a purpose for my feelings, no matter how crazy and over-emotional I may seem to the people around me. So when I let go and let Him direct me, is the only time I can discover that purpose.

What an amazing God we have!

Finish line!

I'm finally getting close to the finish line! Of the semester that is, I still have two more semesters before I can graduate with my AA though =[. I need to start making some decisions about my bachelors degree. At this point I have no idea how I'll ever be able to afford it...hopefully working super hard to keep a 4.o will pay off somehow :)

I cant believe I only have two weeks left...it feels like it has been forever and no time at all since the beginning of the semester, but the end of the semester also means it's closer to Christmas, one of my favorite times of the year!

We already have our trees up, three this year, and now we'll be moving into some heavier duty decorating! Excitement!

It's taking a toll...

I'm halfway through the semester and I've learned one thing:
I'm not cut out for sixteen credits, outside stress, and an increase of church activities all in one.

I've taken on way too much, and to think I need a job on top of that. I'm falling behind in my classes, because I lack even an ounce of motivation. Next semester, I won't make the mistake I've made with this one. I'll back down to regular full-time or even part-time. More importantly, I need to pick up my praying and seek what God wants me to do, not try to do things on my own time table.

I hate that my blog entries are so down lately, it seems like at this time of year I'm in a constant battle with myself...I want to be happy, because it's fall, it's coming up to my favorite holidays, and church stuff picks up, but at the same time I'm usually the most stressed with school, and today the 19th of October makes 8 years since my daddy died. I miss him SO much, and this year the pain seems even worse because there's been so many things I want his opinion on, or to ask him about because I don't even know where to begin to find the answers.

Hopefully, I'll get back to my happy self and be able to post something more lighthearted soon :)

Fears

I realize that my last few entries haven't had as much of a "good mood feel" as the first few did, so I decided to continue this trend and share some of my fears that get me down.

First, my recent choice of majors scares me to death. It's the only one that's actually given me joy to think about, but it's also one that absolutely terrifies me at the same time. If I successfully become a teacher, people are going to trust their little kid's brains into my care for a few hours every day. Yes, I'm sure there's plenty of supports out there, but I'm one who always underestimates myself, and I'm terrified that I wont remember everything I need to, or I just all out won't be good at it. I know God can see me through, and he will, but I still have plenty of my own doubts....

Money scares me too. I know I need a job, but I've kind of put off looking for one since school started, I have so many classes and stuff with church coming up that I'm scared I'd just snap if I had a job too. I guess I'll have to wait and see what God leads me to here too....well I don't really guess, I know...but I also have patience issues :).

Finally, my mother scares me...I didnt get up to go to the yard sale this morning because I had a headache, so I chose to sleep in....she wasnt happy with me, so we'll see how this works out when she gets home...


In the meantime, I finally went to the University Center and made an appointment. Monday. This scares me too. Part of trying to get into a University means that I'm going to have to come up with more money. I'm scared if I took time off to work, that I'd never go back to school. I dont even know if I'll be able to take my classes I need to get in there in the fall. More tests of my Faith and Patience......hopefully I can pass

Dear Grandparents

Dear Grandparents,
I know I never met three of you, but I still miss all four of you. I see other people with their grandparents and wonder what it would be like. I got to know Nana for a few years, but it never seems like it was long enough, and honestly, I'm starting to forget even that. That scares me.

I wish I could ask all of you for advice. I wish I could ask you all what your childhood was like and what my parents were like. I wish you were all here at my graduation, and I wish you were going to be here for the day I get married down the road. I wish I could give you a hug on grandparents day instead of taking flowers to your graves.

I know everyone says you probably get a front row seat from heaven to see what I'm up to, but I'm only human, and I wish you were here.

I love you all ♥

Drowning...

Do you ever feel like there's just SO much to do that you can't possibly keep up no matter how hard you try? And then when you do try it's like some baluga whale is sitting on you to keep you under?
That's me.

Sometimes I wonder what posessed me to take FIVE classes and a Co-Op credit this semester. That means I'm carrying SIXTEEN credits this semester. Insanity. And to fit everything in that I need/want to I'll be at eighteen next semester. No. I quit. Now?..I wish. I might just have to see if I can graduate a semester later. But that could mess up my University Center plan right? Wellll you see, I haven't even been over there to talk to them yet. Smart, huh? I can't find time to sleep and eat, much less discuss my future. I'm lost.

Not to mention, I have a Constitution Day program to go to tomorrow for extra credit....one more hour taken out of my day-check.

Plus, it turns out that the light meter in my Dad's old camera dosen't work. So now, I have to either get a hand held one, or a new camera. But the thing is, that photography language is still like Greek to me. I had two years of spanish in high school and can still only say Hi, How are you? Terrible, and I'm supposed to learn what F-Stop,and all this other foreign stuff means? Oh boy.

Basically, I NEED a vacation. Even just one day to get away from here and completely banish school from my mind....too bad I dont have the time or the money for such things.

By the time I crawl in bed at night, I'm so tired that I fall asleep in the middle of praying half the time. Who knew that thinking could wear you out.

I know you might see this....

Watch this video.

Even when you feel all alone, you're not.

God loves you, even when it feels like he dosent.

I love you too ♥

Matthew 11:28

Romans 8:38-39