Letting Go

Today I had an epiphanie, an 'ah ha' moment, a lightbulb went off over my head moment...anything of that type you can think of to explain it.

I've been doing alot of realizing about my faith lately. I've realized that in order to feel happier, I need to let go of all the worries I've been holding onto so tightly. I tend to let things go into God's hands, and then I try to snatch them right back, so I'm working on letting go and letting God as they say. Needless to say, all the times I've managed to completely let go before, I was as happy as can be because I was following God's will.

Anyway, back to today's moment. I've also been thinking alot lately about how some people's faith is so alive to them. Which I personally believe is how it should be. I think mine could be more alive than it is. Honestly, it's all my own fault. Which brings me to the light bulb moment. Ever since my daddy died, it's like I secrectly tried to build up walls around my heart. We're talking prison walls with secret doors and barbed wire around the top and electric fence around the outside by the time things settled down in the couple years after that. Things just kept happening and every time I'd add on to my walls. I'd open the doors and let the people in a little bit, maybe into a little chamber, but never into the inside. The problem is, while I was doing that, I was trying to fence God into a smaller area too without even realizing it.

Before my life turned into a wild roller coaster, I was extremely sensitive. No matter what emotion I felt, I felt it deeply. So of course, when so many emotional things happen it's no wonder that I tried to build up walls, it was only to protect myself from more pain. I'm not saying I was an emotionless blob by any means, I just protected myself from feeling as deeply as I did before.

But that's not what God wants. He loves me so much that he wants ALL of me. He wants my completely open heart. He created me, and he knows every hair on my head. It's probably like a slap in His face when I try to protect myself. He is God. He can protect me. But he also created me as sensitive as I am for a reason. He has a purpose for my feelings, no matter how crazy and over-emotional I may seem to the people around me. So when I let go and let Him direct me, is the only time I can discover that purpose.

What an amazing God we have!