Finish line!

I'm finally getting close to the finish line! Of the semester that is, I still have two more semesters before I can graduate with my AA though =[. I need to start making some decisions about my bachelors degree. At this point I have no idea how I'll ever be able to afford it...hopefully working super hard to keep a 4.o will pay off somehow :)

I cant believe I only have two weeks left...it feels like it has been forever and no time at all since the beginning of the semester, but the end of the semester also means it's closer to Christmas, one of my favorite times of the year!

We already have our trees up, three this year, and now we'll be moving into some heavier duty decorating! Excitement!

It's taking a toll...

I'm halfway through the semester and I've learned one thing:
I'm not cut out for sixteen credits, outside stress, and an increase of church activities all in one.

I've taken on way too much, and to think I need a job on top of that. I'm falling behind in my classes, because I lack even an ounce of motivation. Next semester, I won't make the mistake I've made with this one. I'll back down to regular full-time or even part-time. More importantly, I need to pick up my praying and seek what God wants me to do, not try to do things on my own time table.

I hate that my blog entries are so down lately, it seems like at this time of year I'm in a constant battle with myself...I want to be happy, because it's fall, it's coming up to my favorite holidays, and church stuff picks up, but at the same time I'm usually the most stressed with school, and today the 19th of October makes 8 years since my daddy died. I miss him SO much, and this year the pain seems even worse because there's been so many things I want his opinion on, or to ask him about because I don't even know where to begin to find the answers.

Hopefully, I'll get back to my happy self and be able to post something more lighthearted soon :)

Fears

I realize that my last few entries haven't had as much of a "good mood feel" as the first few did, so I decided to continue this trend and share some of my fears that get me down.

First, my recent choice of majors scares me to death. It's the only one that's actually given me joy to think about, but it's also one that absolutely terrifies me at the same time. If I successfully become a teacher, people are going to trust their little kid's brains into my care for a few hours every day. Yes, I'm sure there's plenty of supports out there, but I'm one who always underestimates myself, and I'm terrified that I wont remember everything I need to, or I just all out won't be good at it. I know God can see me through, and he will, but I still have plenty of my own doubts....

Money scares me too. I know I need a job, but I've kind of put off looking for one since school started, I have so many classes and stuff with church coming up that I'm scared I'd just snap if I had a job too. I guess I'll have to wait and see what God leads me to here too....well I don't really guess, I know...but I also have patience issues :).

Finally, my mother scares me...I didnt get up to go to the yard sale this morning because I had a headache, so I chose to sleep in....she wasnt happy with me, so we'll see how this works out when she gets home...


In the meantime, I finally went to the University Center and made an appointment. Monday. This scares me too. Part of trying to get into a University means that I'm going to have to come up with more money. I'm scared if I took time off to work, that I'd never go back to school. I dont even know if I'll be able to take my classes I need to get in there in the fall. More tests of my Faith and Patience......hopefully I can pass

Dear Grandparents

Dear Grandparents,
I know I never met three of you, but I still miss all four of you. I see other people with their grandparents and wonder what it would be like. I got to know Nana for a few years, but it never seems like it was long enough, and honestly, I'm starting to forget even that. That scares me.

I wish I could ask all of you for advice. I wish I could ask you all what your childhood was like and what my parents were like. I wish you were all here at my graduation, and I wish you were going to be here for the day I get married down the road. I wish I could give you a hug on grandparents day instead of taking flowers to your graves.

I know everyone says you probably get a front row seat from heaven to see what I'm up to, but I'm only human, and I wish you were here.

I love you all ♥

Drowning...

Do you ever feel like there's just SO much to do that you can't possibly keep up no matter how hard you try? And then when you do try it's like some baluga whale is sitting on you to keep you under?
That's me.

Sometimes I wonder what posessed me to take FIVE classes and a Co-Op credit this semester. That means I'm carrying SIXTEEN credits this semester. Insanity. And to fit everything in that I need/want to I'll be at eighteen next semester. No. I quit. Now?..I wish. I might just have to see if I can graduate a semester later. But that could mess up my University Center plan right? Wellll you see, I haven't even been over there to talk to them yet. Smart, huh? I can't find time to sleep and eat, much less discuss my future. I'm lost.

Not to mention, I have a Constitution Day program to go to tomorrow for extra credit....one more hour taken out of my day-check.

Plus, it turns out that the light meter in my Dad's old camera dosen't work. So now, I have to either get a hand held one, or a new camera. But the thing is, that photography language is still like Greek to me. I had two years of spanish in high school and can still only say Hi, How are you? Terrible, and I'm supposed to learn what F-Stop,and all this other foreign stuff means? Oh boy.

Basically, I NEED a vacation. Even just one day to get away from here and completely banish school from my mind....too bad I dont have the time or the money for such things.

By the time I crawl in bed at night, I'm so tired that I fall asleep in the middle of praying half the time. Who knew that thinking could wear you out.

I know you might see this....

Watch this video.

Even when you feel all alone, you're not.

God loves you, even when it feels like he dosent.

I love you too ♥

Matthew 11:28

Romans 8:38-39

Time

Three weeks into the new semester and I'm ready to go crazy. If I would just get some homework done as soon as I get home from school and go to bed earlier I'd be so much better off. Because I hog my sleep, but tend to go to bed too late and take naps sometimes, everything about me is suffering. I'm stressed out about school, but I'm too unmotivated to go to the University Center. It's an endless cycle. Plus, everyone wants out of the house and away from school sometimes right?

I figured out my problem this week.

Before school started, I was diving deeper into the Bible than I have in a long time. Sure, I've been working on reading my little devotional book every day, and still am like I have been for a while. But for a few days before school I was going even deeper by reading that in the morning, and then reading a couple chapters in Ephesians every night and journaling what I thought or what I learned. I barely made it through Ephesians before I stopped. When I'm in school, I tend to prioritize, unfortunately I'm priortizing wrong.

From past experiences, when I make time for the Bible first, then everything else goes better. I feel refreshed and closer to God. And why shouldn't I? The Bible is his book to let us learn about Him. But "make time" is the key phrase there. I shouldn't be "making time", I should be doing that first and making time for everything else. What if God had to make time for us? Can you imagine what kind of situations we'd be in then? I'm willing to guess things would be a whole lot worse than now. Honestly, I dont have a whole lot to complain about right now but I still manage to.

Now that I've admitted my problem, we'll see if I can manage to work on it. I'm human. I know I'll mess up. Thankfully, I love a God that forvgives me and still loves me anyway.


"'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know that I, I love you
I'll never let you go, no, no
And I'll be by your side, wherever you fall in the dead of night
whenever you call and please dont fight These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you"
---By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
What a great reminder that God is with us, even when we don't feel Him, or when we're too "busy" to pick up his word to draw close to Him.

By Your Side is on my Playlist....check it out, Tenth Avenue North is a GREAT band with great messages in their songs. :)

Test of faith.

I just found out one of the classes I'll most likely need to take to get into the education program has a prereq of another one of the prereqs...confusing right?

I really need to get over to the university center and make an appointment SOON.
I'm just having motivational issues...again. That happens way too much for me. I get into school and that's ALL I do and I start to feel burned out very fast. I need some variety in my life.

Anyway, I can see this is going to be a major test of my faith to let go and let God lead me and take care of things here as well as with finding a job. One of my biggest problems is never letting completely go.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"

Another week gone by...

Well. I survived my first week of a new semester. How? I have no idea. It was like I had enough energy to make it through school and as soon as I walked through the door at home it all drained into the couch or something. When I actually start getting tons of assignments I dont know how I'll do it....good thing I have God to lift me up :)

My first day of volunteering went pretty well. Kindergarteners are SO cute! Mostly I just helped set up things that the teacher needed done still. I still had fun, until I walked out to my car to find a dead battery. Of course, NOBODY answered their phones, so I went back into the office to ask if I could wait there until someone called me back. The lady at the desk asked one of the maintenece guys if he could come jumpstart a car. I'm SO thankful they're such nice people at the school I'm working at. I would have been waiting for a long time if not for them. I'm guessing my brake lights stayed on again. Silly cars. Anyway, I'm supposed to be working with a different teacher every week for a few weeks in Kindergarten and then I'll be moving through other grades from K to 3rd. I'm excited to see where God will lead me!

Tomorrow.

School starts tomorrow.
I can't believe I am now a sophomore...in college.

I can't believe that when I went to the elementary school last week signing up for volunteering was nothing....but now I have to be there at 7:30 AM Friday.

I can't believe that my very first class of the semester is Speech....of all things I absolutely loathe public speaking, lucky me I have a whole class dedicated to it and the last time I checked the class was full....good thing I'll have my boyfriend in there with me...he's about the only one I know in there.

As I sit here listening to my cousin's playlist on her blog Hold Us Together by Matt Maher is playing:
"This is the first day of the rest of your life, because even in the dark we can still see the light, it's going to be alright"

This is how I know God has done some major work in me lately. I'm still nowhere near excited about school, I still hate speeches, but I'm not extremely nervous to the point of hysteria like I normally am before something like this. I'm praying I can keep this odd calm. I say odd, because it's unusual for me to be this calm. Let's pray that my calmness stays around for tomorrow :)

When one door closes, another one opens.

This week has felt like an emotional roller coaster, I went from feeling accomplished for not being too nervous about meetings, to being down right sad that I feel like I'm losing a "best friend", back to extreme happiness that God was opening doors, to heartbroken for what other people are going through.

But since I was excited earlier in the week for figuring out what I want to do, I decided this thing needs to be updated again.

I ventured down to a local elementary school twice on Thursday to ask about volunteering for my co-op, only to find after my third trip that the office was CLOSED....until Wednesday! Needless to say I was dissappointed. So Friday I called the co-op advisor and found out that I didn't have to change schools and waiting until then was just fine.

Okay, now I'm calm again.

Later in the day the advisor calls back and tells me I may be elegible for a work study! That means there's a small chance that I could get experience in schools and be paid minimum wage! I have a meeting Monday to talk about it. Even better, it's only 12 or so hours a week so I'm hoping this means I'll still be able to keep up with school and church.

Church. Tonight we're showing To Save A Life. One of the best movies I've seen all year, and definitely the most life changing. If you haven't seen this movie then I suggest you run...not walk, to your nearest store and buy it, or at least your nearest video renting place and rent it. You will NOT regret it. Our church invited other youth groups in this county and the next, and our youth group has been busy trying to get friends to come...at least a couple of us have :) I'm hoping and praying that God will open people's hearts and use this movie to do awesome things!

Jeremiah 29:11 ♥
look it up.

Changes

For someone who dosen't usually like a whole lot of change, I sure am experiencing some lately. For someone who has never wanted to do anything medical, I decided my senior year of high school that that is where I wanted to be, so I signed up for classes at the local community college fully intent on going into nursing or radiography. Some where along the way this spring I decided neither of those were what I wanted to do, so I waited hours at the advising office to change my major and get classes for a liberal arts A.A.

I also dont like to not know what I'm doing. So being undecided for a major and where to go after this year has been eating at me all summer long. I even thought about taking a year off to find a job and save some money so I could go away. Once I got smart and started praying about what to do I felt like God was leading me to a completely different direction. One that I never EVER have wanted to go......teaching. Strangely enough (or not so strangely) I'm actually kind of excited about this. I was never THIS excited about the medical field, so maybe there's something to this and it really is God's will for me and not my half informed craziness leading me. The more I pray about it the more I feel like God's opening doors. I have an offer to do a co-op for college credit! The next step there is picking an elementary school and grade to volunteer at and hope the principal will pick me. I even found out that the University Center at my community college offers an Elementary Education degree through USF, so I can get my degree there, but save on the costs of a dorm and meal plans.

I never thought I'd be a blogger, but since I'm excited about this change, maybe I'll keep this up once in a while, just so I have something to look back at and have a place to add some of my other ramblings. :) Enjoy!

Not Fair!

Today while reading my devotional I came across these verses from Psalm 103:1-10

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, o my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel;
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

How amazing is it that we serve a God who loves us even though we never deserve it from someone like Him, and who gives us grace and mercy no matter how bad we mess up? I agree with the writer of this devotional, I for one am glad that the Lord is not fair with his judgements.

"When was the last time we let mercy trump fairness with someone who offended us?"
A thought I definitely need to work on in my life, even though I don't often scream in rage, if someone offends me, then I have problems letting it go.

To learn more about the devotionals I read check out: http://odb.org