Fears

I realize that my last few entries haven't had as much of a "good mood feel" as the first few did, so I decided to continue this trend and share some of my fears that get me down.

First, my recent choice of majors scares me to death. It's the only one that's actually given me joy to think about, but it's also one that absolutely terrifies me at the same time. If I successfully become a teacher, people are going to trust their little kid's brains into my care for a few hours every day. Yes, I'm sure there's plenty of supports out there, but I'm one who always underestimates myself, and I'm terrified that I wont remember everything I need to, or I just all out won't be good at it. I know God can see me through, and he will, but I still have plenty of my own doubts....

Money scares me too. I know I need a job, but I've kind of put off looking for one since school started, I have so many classes and stuff with church coming up that I'm scared I'd just snap if I had a job too. I guess I'll have to wait and see what God leads me to here too....well I don't really guess, I know...but I also have patience issues :).

Finally, my mother scares me...I didnt get up to go to the yard sale this morning because I had a headache, so I chose to sleep in....she wasnt happy with me, so we'll see how this works out when she gets home...


In the meantime, I finally went to the University Center and made an appointment. Monday. This scares me too. Part of trying to get into a University means that I'm going to have to come up with more money. I'm scared if I took time off to work, that I'd never go back to school. I dont even know if I'll be able to take my classes I need to get in there in the fall. More tests of my Faith and Patience......hopefully I can pass

Dear Grandparents

Dear Grandparents,
I know I never met three of you, but I still miss all four of you. I see other people with their grandparents and wonder what it would be like. I got to know Nana for a few years, but it never seems like it was long enough, and honestly, I'm starting to forget even that. That scares me.

I wish I could ask all of you for advice. I wish I could ask you all what your childhood was like and what my parents were like. I wish you were all here at my graduation, and I wish you were going to be here for the day I get married down the road. I wish I could give you a hug on grandparents day instead of taking flowers to your graves.

I know everyone says you probably get a front row seat from heaven to see what I'm up to, but I'm only human, and I wish you were here.

I love you all ♥

Drowning...

Do you ever feel like there's just SO much to do that you can't possibly keep up no matter how hard you try? And then when you do try it's like some baluga whale is sitting on you to keep you under?
That's me.

Sometimes I wonder what posessed me to take FIVE classes and a Co-Op credit this semester. That means I'm carrying SIXTEEN credits this semester. Insanity. And to fit everything in that I need/want to I'll be at eighteen next semester. No. I quit. Now?..I wish. I might just have to see if I can graduate a semester later. But that could mess up my University Center plan right? Wellll you see, I haven't even been over there to talk to them yet. Smart, huh? I can't find time to sleep and eat, much less discuss my future. I'm lost.

Not to mention, I have a Constitution Day program to go to tomorrow for extra credit....one more hour taken out of my day-check.

Plus, it turns out that the light meter in my Dad's old camera dosen't work. So now, I have to either get a hand held one, or a new camera. But the thing is, that photography language is still like Greek to me. I had two years of spanish in high school and can still only say Hi, How are you? Terrible, and I'm supposed to learn what F-Stop,and all this other foreign stuff means? Oh boy.

Basically, I NEED a vacation. Even just one day to get away from here and completely banish school from my mind....too bad I dont have the time or the money for such things.

By the time I crawl in bed at night, I'm so tired that I fall asleep in the middle of praying half the time. Who knew that thinking could wear you out.

I know you might see this....

Watch this video.

Even when you feel all alone, you're not.

God loves you, even when it feels like he dosent.

I love you too ♥

Matthew 11:28

Romans 8:38-39

Time

Three weeks into the new semester and I'm ready to go crazy. If I would just get some homework done as soon as I get home from school and go to bed earlier I'd be so much better off. Because I hog my sleep, but tend to go to bed too late and take naps sometimes, everything about me is suffering. I'm stressed out about school, but I'm too unmotivated to go to the University Center. It's an endless cycle. Plus, everyone wants out of the house and away from school sometimes right?

I figured out my problem this week.

Before school started, I was diving deeper into the Bible than I have in a long time. Sure, I've been working on reading my little devotional book every day, and still am like I have been for a while. But for a few days before school I was going even deeper by reading that in the morning, and then reading a couple chapters in Ephesians every night and journaling what I thought or what I learned. I barely made it through Ephesians before I stopped. When I'm in school, I tend to prioritize, unfortunately I'm priortizing wrong.

From past experiences, when I make time for the Bible first, then everything else goes better. I feel refreshed and closer to God. And why shouldn't I? The Bible is his book to let us learn about Him. But "make time" is the key phrase there. I shouldn't be "making time", I should be doing that first and making time for everything else. What if God had to make time for us? Can you imagine what kind of situations we'd be in then? I'm willing to guess things would be a whole lot worse than now. Honestly, I dont have a whole lot to complain about right now but I still manage to.

Now that I've admitted my problem, we'll see if I can manage to work on it. I'm human. I know I'll mess up. Thankfully, I love a God that forvgives me and still loves me anyway.


"'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know that I, I love you
I'll never let you go, no, no
And I'll be by your side, wherever you fall in the dead of night
whenever you call and please dont fight These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you"
---By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
What a great reminder that God is with us, even when we don't feel Him, or when we're too "busy" to pick up his word to draw close to Him.

By Your Side is on my Playlist....check it out, Tenth Avenue North is a GREAT band with great messages in their songs. :)